Last week spurred this blogpost as I was at my monthly girl's dinner party and of course we were discussing men and relationships along with all that comes with that. It's an amazing group and it's nice to share our experiences as women, as professionals, as mothers and as friends. We often have a chuckle at the dating scene as a 30-40-50 something year old, as it is full of surprises and definitely provides great dinner party fodder. Let's face it, Winnipeg is a small, small, very small city, and it would be advisable to remember that in how you, as daters, should be accountable for your actions. The other side of that is, as daters, you should be prepared for the consequences of your dating actions as well. Be accountable people! At the end of the day, you have to laugh at most of the stuff or you would cry.
Dating these days is a crap shoot, no matter what age. I hear the issues my kid's friends have, I hear the issues my own friends and family have, and I listen intently to the issues and hesitations my clients have. Yes, if you haven't looked at my website, and my coaching categories, I am a relationship, mostly a dating coach. (CharisOnDating) I feel for all of them, I know what it's like, been there done it, got the medal for surviving it. Dating is a very complicated adventure at any age. This is especially true if you are middle-age with children, step-children, ex-spouses, assets, divorces, careers and a shitload of baggage. Truthfully, we all have baggage, no matter how old you are, accept that and you are well on your way. In the end it's about how you handle and manage your baggage, that's what you should be analyzing when you're interviewing your next dating prospect.
The first thing I always work on with my dating clients is the always, who they are and what they are bringing to the table. What lies within... To my core, I believe that no one can be truly happy in any relationship unless you are first and foremost, happy with yourself. That's a tall order nowadays. There is so much pressure out in the world to be superhuman, to be perfect, to be everything to everyone. Just in case you weren't aware of it, NONE of us fit this bill, and nor should we want to. My clients and I work on how they can feel confident and exude that in their daily lives. We work on how to present themselves in all aspects of their life, working on creating the best version of themselves as possible. We work on negative thought processes and change them to positive, we turn around debilitating behaviours and learn how those behaviours are blocking their ability to move forward.
In many cases, we do a style make-over. Trust me when I say, the market is steep out there, no matter what age you are, presentation is paramount. Many times that comes along with a reality check about expectations around dating. I'm all for waiting until you find the person that fits the best with you, but making sure your expectations are valid is so important. Many of the things we are able to change, don't cost an arm and a leg but are deal breakers to many that are out there actively looking for a partner. Just to mention a few: TEETH, HAIR, GLASSES, and CLOTHING. Teeth I find get the most points in the thumbs down category, in this day and age, there is no reason to have bad teeth. Hair, easy fix, but make sure it's not your barber or hair dresser of 20 years that isn't doing you any favours. It sounds shallow, but if you don't believe it, just trust me in the numbers of people I coach, first impressions do matter. As I always say, " You are your best billboard"
If you don't want to ask your closest family and friends why you aren't able to get a date, then come ask me, I'll give it to you straight. I find my clients are willing to listen to me as the advice I give them is unbiased, and sincere. Most of your friends and family might not want to tell you what needs to change because they don't want to hurt your feelings, perhaps they aren't the best judge of what you should change or not change in your life anyhow. Just sayin'
The other very important aspect about this is like-mindedness. Just an example, we are living in a very health conscious world, like-minded people look for someone that share the same health conscious interests. Those that are on the health and wellness wagon, want to share their time with others that value the importance of attaining or living a healthy lifestyle. This type of profiling becomes even more imperative when dating and looking for a partner in our later years. We are more comfortable in our lives and we understand the importance of sharing our lives with someone that holds the same values and beliefs that we do about how we live.
Money management. Yes, it's a factor. Many have split their assets in divorces, or have gained wealth and success by this point and are very cognitive about the choices they make in a partner. Money as we know, especially from our younger years in raising families, can cause so many issues. It's part of the process, but there comes a time, when you hope that people have learned how to manage and make money to guarantee their security by now. People aren't jumping into relationships blindly when it comes to assets and finances, there is too much at risk. So, whether you are young or old, get a handle on your finances.
There are many a topic to discuss when it comes to dating. We will save some of the others for other blog posts. The bottom line is, take the time and money to invest in yourself to find the right partner. Do your homework, more importantly, do the work. Recognize that confidence is the best turn on, so ensure that that's exactly what you exude. Get your ducks in a row on all levels, be the best version of yourself that you know how to be.
Last but not least, learn to love yourself, when you've done that, the right partner for you will come along. Have a dream, a little faith and hope :)
#CharisOnDating #Dating #Men #relationships #lifecoaching #datingcoaching #love #cosmopolitan #huffingtonpost #vogue #canadianliving #zoomermagazine
Mount Everest … yet again. Sometimes I get tired of climbing mountains. Seriously.
I believe that everything happens for a reason.
I do not believe that we are given more than we can handle, I believe that the things that happen in our lives are lessons we are supposed to learn. If you know anything about the circle of life, karma, (there is other terminology for this, but this is the easiest to understand) we go through lessons, sometimes repeatedly, until we learn what we are supposed to learn, so that we can move on. Some people get stuck in these cycles, others, recognize the challenge for what it is and start climbing that damn mountain, no matter how daunting the task is.
It’s been a while since I posted a blog, mostly because I couldn’t type, it hurt too much. It still hurts, but I now just type in small spurts. I’ve got lots to say about this last mountain I’ve been asked to climb so I figure I might as well start.
On October 17, 2016, I was hanging privacy film on the glass walls of my office and my arm, shoulder and neck were damaged. Let me state that it was privacy film that I didn’t even want, I don’t care who peers into my office, I do my work and I go home. The higher powers that be wanted it up, they didn’t want to sand blast the glass to match all the other offices, so they ordered this DIY privacy film. They also didn’t want to pay someone to install it and had me do it. Let me just state, I'm an office worker, I am not on payroll for maintenance items. I guess this fell under “other duties as assigned”. So, I started installing it. By the time I was done, three hours later, my fingers were numb. By the time I got home, I felt so awful, I went straight to bed. Woke up and thought my head was going to explode I had so much pain.
For the first time in 30 years, I went to the chiropractor and hoped that it would help. Thank goodness it did, I don’t remember having a pain like that in my head ever. Off to work I went, grabbed my work vehicle and headed off visiting clients. By mid-morning, my right arm was killing me, by the next day, I could barely move it. Since then, long story short, I’ve been off work. No…let me clarify, I’ve been off LIFE. Five months later, I have been to the physiotherapist 1-3 times a week, my doctor once every week to two weeks, and my chiropractor 1-2 a week. For five months … rehab has been a full-time job. Let me state, I rarely have needed to go to the doctor prior to this, and haven’t been to a physiotherapist in at least 8 years. I didn’t need to, I was perfectly healthy.
Those that know me, know I’m extremely healthy, no complaints, nothing stops me, I go and go and I go. That’s my personality. That’s why I have so many things that I do. It’s because I love it, every second of it.
So … I went from supermom, business owner and government worker to a useless bag of bones that couldn’t do ANYTHING. I couldn’t lift my arm, couldn’t brush my hair, could barely lift a glass. Sitting hurt, standing hurt, walking hurt. No matter what I did it was in constant pain. Everything in my life came to a grinding halt. Not only my office job, but my coaching, my home life, everything. Do you know what it is like to have to sit at home but not be able to do anything at all, not laundry, not dishes, not make a bed? For me and my personality, it was the worst thing that could happen, I was immobile. The house became a mess, I couldn’t grocery shop, I literally could not do anything, I was, suddenly, for the first time in my life, completely dependent on others to help me.
I have never felt so useless.
This all put such a different perspective on everything in my life. And … trust me, I had plenty of time to analyze it while sitting, healing, being that useless bag of bones. I had a very hard time accepting my new-found dependency and had to find ways to live an everyday life without being able to do anything myself. It sucked serious ass. Just sayin’
I found it difficult to ask for help. Again, not my personality, I’m used to counting only on myself to get things done. I think over the years, I just let my expectations go of others so that I didn’t feel disappointed when I felt let down. Protection mechanism for sure. But it was also about changing my reaction to other people's actions. Funny thing is, I did still kind of take it personally, I thought holy crap, if this is what life will be like when I’m old, I don’t want to get old.
I felt quite alone.
I guess the one thing I learned over the years, through my experiences, that in the end you only have yourself to count on. It’s true. Not because others don’t care, it’s just that they have very full and busy lives that they are trying to cope with. Sometimes, I think society has changed in how everyone takes care of one another, I think we are losing compassion and understanding for no other reason than lack of time and energy.
Life has become such a rat race that we are forgetting the one thing that makes us human…caring. We aren’t inanimate objects, sometimes though, I fear we are becoming so. I see it all the time around me, people are turning off their emotions so that they can control their environments more. Our protection tactics lead us to control our interactions so that there is less fear, less confrontation, less anger, and less upheaval. I believe, that at the end of the day in trying to negate all of those negative interactions in our life, and turning off those responses and reactions, we are also losing some of the positive aspects of life. Like loving, and caring for others. Our time cannot be all that important that we fill it up with a plethora of extraneous crap and forget to care, to love, to help. It made me also question my part in actively caring for and helping others. I did some real soul searching, let me tell you.
I think that’s what I remember the most about growing up in a small town, maybe it was the day and age, but people used to help each other. Especially in times of hardship and crisis. I know as a family, we experienced amazing show of community, many times. It was the kindness of others that helped ease the pain or the burdens of whatever crisis we were experiencing. The support of others. The love and caring of others.
I think that is why I coach. It’s my way of helping, supporting and caring. It’s my way of giving back really. There is something so gratifying about helping others, it truly fills me up.
I’m lucky that my journeys have brought me to this place where I am able to decipher what works in my life and what doesn’t. I have now had even more time, during this healing period, to figure out even more of this puzzle that we call life. I’ve realized that even though I recognize that I’m too tired to fight another fight, sometimes, you just need put on your hiking boots, lace them up and start that climb of Mount Everest once again. (I feel like I’ve climbed it a time or two) There are many times, and this is one, that I struggle with how many fights on how many levels can one handle at one time. Sometimes … it seems overwhelming, but we always must fight for what’s right and hope that it ends up in our favour. This is one of those times.
I take the gauntlet far too many times to fight a fight that usually is more about the bigger picture than it is about myself. The fight goes beyond my personal stake in it because I hope that it helps the others that fall into its wake.
An Advocate, yes, I guess I have always been that. A referee, yes, I’m that too. A champion for others, yes, I’m that too. Apparently, these things were part of my soul contract when I decided who and what I was willing to be, as me. But even us, champions of others, get tired. I’ve realized that if people aren’t willing to fight for themselves, then you sit down with yourself and ask yourself “What’s in it for me?” WIIFM is an acronym that goes beyond coaching personally and is a big one in the business world. It’s one I must constantly keep reminding myself of every day, every time I think about saying yes to someone else, every time I champion a cause. I’ve realized I must carefully pick and choose the right battles.
It isn’t that I haven’t practiced this before, but it’s taking it to a more drastic step. It’s against every fibre of my being not to fight for others, I have always felt that sometimes those that are not as strong, that don’t have a voice, need someone to help them.
This experience has taught me, that those that are not willing to fight for themselves, must find their own voice, should fight their own fights and climb their own mountains. If they have decided to do none of that, then their fate is of their own making. Anyone that knows me will attest to the fact that I am pretty cut and dry when it comes to making changes and decisions in your life. If you’re not going to fight for the change you need in your life, then don’t complain about it. Period. So, I walk my own talk, always.
In fighting for others, I must admit, and I had to come to this realization as well, that rarely did those instances turn out in my favour. In fact, most of them didn’t, so what was I supposed to learn from that? I learned not to clean up other people’s mess, other company’s mess, and stick to my own. The champion for change rarely gets a pat on the back and a “way to go” at the end of it.
I think that’s why I do what I do know, and maybe that’s the lessons that I have learned, people need to step up and decide to do what’s right for themselves, they need to decide to change for themselves. Now instead of fighting their fights, I help them fight their own. I give them the tools, I provide the support and the guidance, I provide the caring support that they need to move forward. Whether that’s changing their eating habits, exercising, job change, relationship changes…they all stem from the same place…from within.
That place within, can sometimes be a hard road to navigate but once you set your compass straight, climbing Mount Everest doesn’t seem so daunting, it’s just one step at a time. That, and the true belief in yourself that you can do it, that you have the where with all to be the change that you need in your own life.
The best thing that any of us can do is what I make that daily practice of, asking yourself, WIIFM, every time you consider making a decision. The answer should always be, we should be doing only what serves our well-being, that feeds our souls, that makes us happy and fulfills us. Life is too short to do anything else. It’s about being authentic with who you truly are and I don’t think many have done to work to find out who their authentic self really is. I know I make choices every day, if they don’t align with who I am as a person or what I believe in, I don’t do it. Do note, that although this sounds very individual, it is all encompassing. Who I am encompasses my family, my husband, my work-life, my clients, my world that surrounds me in a micro-environment as well as the world at large. It’s up to me how I take care of those parts of who I am by being authentic in sticking with my values and beliefs in what makes a person good, is paramount.
Therefore, the WIIFM is not just about me individually and how the world affects me, but it is about who I am and how I must interact with the world. I believe in truth, in doing what’s right, in being compassionate and caring as a human being, I believe wholeheartedly in being authentic and creating an authentic life. I believe that we all have a purpose, mine is helping others, no matter what category that falls into, it is also my passion.
Finding what makes you passionate stems from knowing your authentic self. Creating passion in your life comes from living an openly expressive life, by sharing of yourself with others. Passion is what makes this ride we call life worthwhile.
My passion right now is healing, in all ways. Healing my physical injuries and ensuring that I hold others accountable for their part in it. Ensuring that I have the opportunity to heal properly without the restrictions of process eliminating my ability to do so. Sometimes this is a vicious cycle.
One step at a time.
I still have limited mobility. I still cannot clean my own house, but I have hired house cleaners to help me do so. I cannot do my own grocery shopping, so I have it delivered. I cannot work out, but I am now able to start at 10 minutes a day and am thrilled at the prospect. I can only drive short distances, so I stick close to home. There is always a way to get it all figured out, sometimes it’s not the way you expected it to be, but, the result is the same. I don’t have any expectations of those around me to fill in the gaps created by my physical inabilities, or to look out for my best interests, it just doesn’t work that way. I … as always … must be my own champion. We all must be our own champions.
I have always been a silver lining kind of gal, and again, those that know me, know my strength and perseverance. This isn’t the biggest or most horrible thing that has happened to me, but I’m hoping it’s the last. I’ve learned so much over the past few months, about myself and others, about what I hold near and dear to me heart and to follow my path. As Dory says, just keep on swimming or climbing I guess since I have been using the Everest analogy.
The bottom line is this:
Stay true to yourself
Ask for help
Know when to help yourself
Take time to heal
Take time to care for others
Be a champion to yourself and others
Be authentic, always
Find the will to succeed
Lifestyle blog, detailing life experiences, coaching tips, how-to's with lifestyle product recommendations and reviews. Health, beauty, travel, home and family!
Let me not be judged by what I have and have not accomplished but by the remarkable children I have raised. Mother, Business Consultant, Entrepreneur, Designer, Artist.
You are your best billboard! Create the lifestyle you want by putting in some effort, make sure your best foot is forward, have discriminating taste, financial smarts, plan your lifestyle! This Lifestyle blog has lifestyle and product recommendations, coaching and services.
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